I am back again. What causes me to leave and return I do not know, but there is a pattern. A place to vent, a place to share, a place to get out of my head. It is cathartic to say the least. I also come back to learn more about what I really believe. Once I get it out of my mind I am called to examine it, test it, refine it, live it.
I have a different view on this blog now. Content will not change but context will, the mask is off, No More Mr Nice Guy. A course of events changed my perspective on how I am living my life, what I am doing, how and who I am being.
Last week I went in and met with a Urologist because of a recurring UTI symptoms when I would get dehydrated. Initially my thought was it could be linked to the kidney stones I passed a few years back. Everything check out ok but to be safe the Doc asked that I get an ultrasound to make sure everything was good anatomically. The Doc called instead of his nurse…ok not good, results came back, they found what appears to be a “mass” on my left kidney about the size of a quarter. Possibly a cyst of some sort – simple or complex but also want to make sure it is not cancer. At first it was easy to handle, obviously the mind starts wanting to know what is happening..is this going to affect my existence? It wants to be in control. After a few searches on the interwebs to gain a better understanding of what I potentially could be dealing with, the what if’s are running rampant. You don’t know, let’s see what the pictures say. Late last week a bit of fear starts to creep in…what if? What if what…I do not know anything thing yet, we do not know anything yet. The possibilities:
- A simple cyst – monitor it
- Complex cyst – monitor it or cut it out
- Cancer – cut it out and possibly treatment
- Nothing – imaging mis-read
Regardless, I want to turn it upside down, to use it for good, to not let it control me, run my mind wild. Just the simple fact that there is this possibility really got me thinking of how to use whatever it ends up being, or nothing, as a springboard…a catalyst. So in the midst of not knowing what was going on I decided to start racing cross again. I have missed the bike, the camaraderie, the scene….missed the solo rides being deep in thought, pushing myself (sometimes punishing myself) to suffer one second longer, just a little bit more. But in a deeper context I am looking at this to be a catalyst to change myself in a greater way to see things through the unfiltered light of who I really am and be accepting of that person. No More Mr Nice Guy….there is plenty of work to do, always but this is about being a better man, being the man I was meant to be not the man I have become.
Come Tuesday….went in for my CT scan. I have had one before so nothing new there or worth getting worked up about. Colleen met me at the Dr’s office about an hour later to discuss the results. To our surprise there was an abnormality in the reading of the Ultrasound, a shadow or overhang of another organ…UHHHH, relief. But in the back of my head I did not want, nor want to, let this slip as a catalyst. There is no reason to back down to change, if anything I should be doubling down.
Just as Popeye said “I am who I am”.